Dear diary, I planned to attack a synagogue

By Amber Qua

ILLUSTRATION: Tang Ying Hui

Dear diary,

I was scrolling through my feed when this video came up - Palestinian civilians being bombed by Israeli fighter jets. 

I couldn't look away. I can't stop thinking about it. How is this allowed to happen?

I need to know more.

Dear diary,

More of those videos keep appearing on my feed. Before I realised it, I’d already watched them all…just endless destruction and death in Gaza.

My mind keeps replaying their suffering. How anyone can see this injustice and not do anything is unthinkable.

Dear diary,

Articles, videos, post after post. Everything I’ve seen on social media has shown me the truth. Palestinians are the victims. Israelis are the aggressors.

I hate Israel so much. I want to help the Palestinians, but how?

ILLUSTRATION: Tang Ying Hui

Dear diary,

I told my family and friends I was worried about the Palestinians. They said feeling sympathetic was natural. That I shouldn't get involved.

But innocent people are dying. Nobody around me seems to understand. Every recommendation showed me another video, another angry post. Before long, I stopped looking for other viewpoints.

It’s clear to me now. Only violence can stop violence.

Dear diary,

Today, I found out that there are fighters out there standing up against the oppressors. Watching them take down the enemies feels so satisfying!

They are calling for volunteers!  Maybe I should just travel to Gaza and join the fight against Israel myself. Even if I die there, at least I’ll have died fighting the enemies of Islam.

Need to figure out how to get there.

Dear diary,

I watched a documentary about the Jewish community in Singapore today. They looked peaceful. Content.

I keep thinking about Palestine - about the suffering happening there, while the people here just carry on like nothing is wrong.

I can't sleep. I feel so much anger inside.

ILLUSTRATION: Tang Ying Hui

Dear diary,

I've been to the synagogue twice now. To prepare myself for what I’m going to do. 

I made something…a knife to practise with. I plan to use it soon.

ILLUSTRATION: Tang Ying Hui

Dear diary,

Mum called. I came home and they were already there. Officers. In our house.

Everything I'd been doing, everything I'd been planning…it’s over.

I can’t stop thinking about mum’s expression. She must be so disappointed.

What have I done?

Dear diary,

The officers told me I'm going to be detained after the investigation. 

I've been sitting with what I was planning. What could have happened. The people who could have been hurt.

I let everyone down, including my mum.

I've decided to cooperate to fix my thinking. I don't know what else I can do now.

ILLUSTRATION: Tang Ying Hui

Dear diary,

These days, I spend my time in rehabilitation doing yard exercises, religious counselling and psychological therapies. I read books to fill the hours.

My family visits me every week. They tell me to cooperate, to listen to the counsellors, to focus on becoming a better person. Hearing this from them keeps me going.

My counsellors and mentors have been showing me how to think through things properly. It's changed the way I look at many things.

The tenacious support from my family, religious and psychological counsellors – they encourage me to push on and complete my rehabilitation treatment.

I learned that there are two sides to every conflict. If I only ever look at one side without understanding the full picture, I’m not helping anyone and might even make things worse.

Dear diary,

I understand now that you can feel for people caught in a conflict, but that doesn't make violence the answer.

I did a lot of reflection and discussion with the counsellors and rehabilitation officers while in detention. At the start, I never really questioned what I was reading about the Israel-Palestine conflict. I just knew that I felt the plight of oppressed Muslims strongly.

I’ve renounced my radical beliefs in armed jihad and the use of violence. I want to do well in my studies and my career. Maybe someday, I can contribute something good to my family and to the world?

ILLUSTRATION: Tang Ying Hui

Dear diary,

I'm working towards a career in the culinary industry. It feels right. I always liked cooking for my family since secondary school. I think I can do well here.

I want to get enough experience to become a proper chef one day. Maybe even open my own restaurant.

Looking back, I should have gone to an accredited religious teacher to receive proper guidance, instead of listening to all those online extremist materials on religion and overseas conflicts. 

I hope parents find the time to keep an eye on what their kids are doing online, even when life gets busy. If I could go back, I would have spent that time with my family instead of falling down that rabbit hole.

It’s not too late. At least, I can still move forward with my life.

After making good progress in his rehabilitation, Farhan was released on a Restriction Order under the ISA. He has since completed his part-time diploma following his release from detention and is currently pursuing a career in the culinary industry.